


Therapy 101

by onemechanicalalligator



Series: Therapy [1]
Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Study, Depression, Fear, Food Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:35:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26408833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onemechanicalalligator/pseuds/onemechanicalalligator
Summary: Jeff goes to therapy.Includes discussion of a lot of dark themes, so please be sure to check the tags!
Relationships: Abed Nadir/Jeff Winger
Series: Therapy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952179
Comments: 12
Kudos: 91





	Therapy 101

**Session One**

Jeff talks about himself, and he starts with the good things, and he forgets to move on to the not-so-good things. 

He talks about his classes and his friends. He brushes the “no longer a practicing lawyer” fiasco off as though he doesn’t care. He talks about his mom as if they’re still close, and he doesn’t bring up his dad at all. He successfully convinces himself he’s fine and he finishes the session thinking therapy is easy, wondering why he decided to do it at all.

At the end of the hour, the therapist asks if he wants to schedule another session, and he figures he might as well.

**Session Two**

He elaborates on the same things he talked about last time, and this time the therapist comments more. She asks questions about his friends and family and he answers more or less truthfully. She asks how he feels about certain circumstances, about school and career and family, and he says everything is fine. 

She says it sounds like he’s doing really well, and then he starts to hate her, because he thinks she should be able to read his mind, thinks she should be able to see through the fact that he is _lying,_ but she’s taking his words at face value. 

He wonders if she’s just stupid.

At the end of the hour, the therapist asks if he wants to schedule another session, and he figures he might as well.

**Session Three**

She dives a little deeper this time, asking more questions about his father, when he left, what their relationship was like before and after, how Jeff coped. 

Jeff thinks: _I don’t know if it was worse when he was there or after he left, because he was a bad father, but not having a father, not knowing where he even is -- that’s also pretty bad._

Jeff thinks: _I made bad choices in an effort to cope, I did things I can never take back, things that still haunt me._

Jeff thinks: _I blamed my mother even though I know it’s all my fault. I don’t deserve to feel bad about this because I brought it upon myself. If I’d been a better kid, we wouldn’t all be broken._

Jeff says: “It wasn’t a huge deal. I think I coped pretty well. We were better off without him.”

She doesn’t dive deeper, and Jeff feels a wave of rage, because she should know better, she should be able to tell that there’s more to it than that. 

He thinks she’s definitely stupid.

At the end of the hour, the therapist asks if he wants to schedule another session, and he figures he might as well.

**Session Four**

He woke up an hour and a half ago, gross and hungover in the bed of a woman whose name he doesn’t even remember. He raced home and cleaned up and is now sitting on the couch with his hair still dripping from the shower, a cup of coffee in one hand.

She asks if he got ready in a hurry, and he says he overslept. He doesn’t say where or why or with whom, and she doesn’t ask. Because she doesn’t ask, he doesn’t have the opportunity to tell her that he hates himself right now, that he feels disgusting, that he doesn’t know how to stop doing this.

Jeff thinks: _I have a drinking problem and it terrifies me and I don’t know what to do._

Jeff thinks: _I stare at men in bars and fantasize about them fucking me, and then I bring women home to try to erase the images from my mind._

Jeff thinks: _It doesn’t work._

Jeff says: “Sorry, I’m just a little out of it today. I had trouble falling asleep last night.”

She asks if he wants to talk about why he had trouble sleeping, and he just shrugs, says it was loud outside his window.

At the end of the hour, the therapist asks if he wants to schedule another session, and he figures he might as well. 

**Session Five**

She asks him about his self image. 

Jeff thinks: _I hate my body and I try to control it through what I eat and sometimes I think I’m not in control at all._

Jeff thinks: _I’m a bad person, I hate everything about myself, I hurt people and I make bad choices._

Jeff thinks: _I drink to make myself feel better, except I never really end up feeling better._

Jeff says: “I’d say I’m a fairly confident person. Wouldn’t you be, if you were working with this?” He gestures at his body.

They spend the rest of the time talking about the weather and Jeff’s classes at Greendale.

At the end of the hour, the therapist asks if he wants to schedule another session, and he figures he might as well. 

**Session Six**

He mentions his friends, and she asks about them.

Jeff thinks: _Shirley has layers, and she tries so hard, and sometimes she’s overwhelming but it’s only because she cares and wants what’s best for us. I think she can tell that I’m broken._

Jeff says: “Shirley’s a good mom and a good friend, although she lays the Jesus stuff on a little thick sometimes.

Jeff thinks: _I’m terrified of ending up like Pierce._

Jeff says: “Pierce is an old racist but sometimes he accidentally says things that are surprisingly poignant.”

Jeff thinks: _Annie tries to get my attention and a part of me feels like I should be flattered, but I see her as a little sister and I think we would be closer if she didn’t display those awkward moments of attraction._

Jeff says: “Annie works hard and has overcome a lot, and I’m proud of her.

Jeff thinks: _Troy spends all his time with Abed, and I’m jealous._

Jeff says: “Troy wants to be more than he is, and he doesn’t realize he’s already enough.”

Jeff thinks: _Britta is how I figured out I’m more attracted to men, at least right now. She’s beautiful and sexy and each time we slept together, all I could think about was Abed._

Jeff says: “Britta tries too hard to do the right thing and doesn’t realize she had the right idea from the start.

Jeff thinks: _Abed is everything, and I’m scared to say anything to him. I dream about him. I can’t stop thinking about the all the times we might have hooked up, if I wasn’t so fucking scared._

Jeff says: “Abed is weird and confusing.”

At the end of the hour, the therapist asks if he wants to schedule another session, and he figures he might as well. 

**Session Seven**

She comments on the fact that he brings coffee to every session, and uses that as a segue to mention that his hand is shaking. The fact that she notices startles him, and he drops the coffee, and as she bends down to clean it up from the floor, he sees her face change. She’s realized the cup was holding half coffee, half whiskey.

He bolts before she can say a word.

The therapist calls him later and asks if he wants to schedule another session, and he figures he might as well.

He schedules it two weeks out, to give himself time to find his dignity again, to come up with a good excuse.

**Session Eight**

He doesn’t say anything when he comes in, and she doesn’t either, for a little while. They sit in silence.

Finally, she asks if he wants to talk about it.

Jeff thinks: _I can’t do this, I don’t know how. I can’t talk about it but I can’t live this way. I feel stuck and trapped and afraid. I don’t trust myself. I don’t even know myself. I feel unlovable and unwanted. I’m in love with someone and I’m too scared to tell him, and even if I wasn’t, I still wouldn’t, because he deserves someone better than me. I’m scared of the way I need to drink and the way I don’t want to eat and the way I have such a hard time admitting that I’m attracted to men. I’m scared of everything, all the time, and I hate myself for feeling that way._

Jeff says: “Not really.”

She asks if there _is_ something he’d like to talk about.

He shrugs.

They sit in silence again.

At the end of the hour, the therapist asks if he wants to schedule another session, and he figures he might as well. 

**Session Nine**

She watches him as he sits down, and he knows she can tell it’s a Bad Day.

He didn’t sleep much last night, and he didn’t bring any liquor with him this time but he’s still kind of hungover, anyway. He comes in wearing sunglasses and doesn’t take them off. He hasn’t shaved, and he’s in sweats.

She asks if he’s okay, and he shakes his head.

She asks if he wants to talk, and he shakes his head.

She asks if he _needs_ to talk.

He nods.

Jeff thinks: _I can’t do this anymore._

Jeff says: “I’m afraid.”

That’s all he says, and then she lets him put his head down on the arm rest of the couch, and she talks to him for a while, and he’s not sure what about, but he doesn’t think she cares if he’s listening. He thinks she’s just trying to soothe him, and it’s working.

Some time passes, and he realizes he doesn’t want to leave. He realizes he feels safe for the first time in who knows how long.

At the end of the hour, the therapist asks if he wants to schedule another session, and he figures he might as well. 

**Session Ten**

He asks if they can start over.

She says yes.

Jeff thinks: _Here goes nothing._

Jeff says: “I have a problem with drinking. I have a problem with eating. I know I’m at least a little bit gay and I don’t know how to deal with that. I’m in love with someone I’m not good enough for. I’m fucked up about my childhood, and about my dad leaving. I’m afraid to get close to people. I feel like I’m completely broken and maybe not fixable. I give inspiring speeches to my friends and then go home and drink until I pass out. When I was in 7th grade I cut myself to get sympathy from my friends. I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again. I don’t really know who I am, or who I want to be. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer but now I’m not so sure, and the uncertainty terrifies me. Nearly everyone in my life is better than me. I say I want to be healthy and live forever, but actually if I died tomorrow I think that would be just fine. I’m terrified all the time. I hate opening up to people. I hate being vulnerable. I’ve spent the last couple of months lying to you and then hating you for not being able to read my mind. I hate myself for wasting all that time.”

He takes a deep breath and shuts his mouth.

She thanks him for his honesty. Tells him he hasn’t wasted any time, because all those sessions brought them to right now, and that’s where they’re going to focus. On _right now_ and _what comes next._

She says there’s too much to tackle in one session, but she promises to make sure they get to all of it.

She tells him he matters, and he might be broken, but he’s definitely fixable, and she is positive he’s good enough for the person he loves, because he’s a human person _worthy_ of dignity and love.

That’s when Jeff starts to cry, and she lets him.

They don’t talk much for the rest of the session. 

At the end of the hour, the therapist asks when he wants to schedule another session, and he says: “As soon as possible.”

He washes his face in the bathroom and then goes out to his car and texts Abed, asks if he wants to hang out. 

It’s much too soon to be completely honest, and he’s not even close to convinced he’s good enough.

But spending some more time together probably wouldn’t hurt anything. 


End file.
